Name: Chadwick “Chad” Bartholomew IV
Classification: Former Illuminati Acolyte – Renegade Operative
Security Level: Redacted
Status: Monitored Asset – High Potential for Public Subversion

SUBJECT BACKGROUND:

 

Chadwick was bred, not born, into the upper echelons of the Illuminati hierarchy. Raised on encrypted lullabies and diplomatic immunity, he was the heir apparent to Bartholomew III—Illuminati Treasurer of the Western Hemisphere and the last man to balance a trillion-dollar shadow budget without blinking.

From birth, Chad’s identity was curated. Schooling at the Arcane Academy of Influence. Summer sabbaticals in Davos. Private lessons in media misdirection, controlled narrative architecture, and sigil placement in cereal commercials. His destiny was fixed.

DEVIATION INCIDENT #0001:

 

At age 17, subject performed an unauthorized interpretive dance titled “Shadow Governments and the Search for Love” during the annual Lunar Conclave. Eyewitnesses reported fog machines, sequins, and what one elder described as “a suspiciously sexy reenactment of the Federal Reserve collapse.”

Bartholomew III suffered a minor cardiac event. Subject was immediately disavowed.

POST-EXPULSION ACTIVITY:

 

Rather than flee in shame, Chad live-streamed his departure from the Illuminati compound while playing a ukulele cover of “Mad World.” Gained 1.3 million views in 48 hours. Promptly launched the podcast Exit the Pyramid, now banned in twelve nations.

He embarked on a world tour of fringe festivals, underground performance art spaces, and hacker conventions, often disguised as a motivational speaker named “Coach Meta.” There he developed a cult following for his performance piece "The Algorithm Is a Lie (But Make It Fashion)."

Chad’s social media presence, once dismissed as erratic, has grown into a powerful network of Gen-Z cryptic memers, polyamorous UX designers, and ex-TikTok hypnotists. All of them receive weekly transmissions known only as “The Vibe Report.”

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:

• Gary      the Goat (rumored spirit guide, possible hologram)
• Juno      Hex (former NFT scammer turned clairvoyant NFT archivist)
• B.R.I.A.N.     (AI entity with abandonment issues)
• Rhonda (he once helped her retrieve a Tarot card stuck in an air vent)
• Mindy (she rigged his Roomba to auto-sanitize conspiracy zones)

REINTEGRATION RISK ASSESSMENT:

 

Subject was flagged by counter-chaos algorithms after resurfacing as Minister of Misdirection for the Illuminaughty. Intelligence reports indicate Chad utilizes coded sarcasm, karaoke-based messaging, and subliminal glitter tactics to recruit new members.

He recently appeared at a United Nations webcast disguised as a motivational juggler, delivering a speech titled “Why the Future Needs More Absurdity and Fewer Billionaires.” The entire Security Council inexplicably approved a motion to declare Tuesdays “Global Meme Reflection Day.”

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE:

• Pathological      sincerity layered in irony.
• Chronic      need for approval from father figures and cult mascots.
• Dreams      frequently of goats in top hats offering unsolicited advice.
• Displays      no overt violent tendencies, but weaponizes sincerity with alarming      precision.
• Diagnosed      with Strategic Empathy Disorder – may spontaneously feel too much for      “unrelated socks and sandwich wrappers.”

SYMBOLIC PREFERENCES:

• Signature      color: Iridescent Neon Regret
• Favorite      sigil: Open eye, closed mouth, glitch crown
• Signature      quote: “If truth is a punchline, let me be the setup.”

SUMMARY:

 

Chad is a rogue element. Charismatic. Unpredictable. The only Illuminati dropout to weaponize his daddy issues into a full-blown meta-narrative. He remains one of the few operatives capable of destabilizing both corporate think tanks and Burning Man yoga circles in the same afternoon.

His growing movement, dubbed “The Church of Chaotic Good Vibes,” has been linked to spontaneous dance parties in airports, anonymous funding of subversive art projects, and a bizarre trend of celebrities admitting they “just want to hug a goat and cry.”

RECOMMENDED ACTION:

 

Monitor closely. Do not attempt to out-weird. If approached, respond only in karaoke lyrics.

END FILE.

Name: Mindy "StaticFire" Alvarez
Classification: Rogue Technomancer / Digital Subversive
Security Level: Omega-6 (Encrypted Risk Tier)
Status: Active — Under Observation, Digital Containment Unstable

SUBJECT BACKGROUND:

 

Mindy Alvarez was born in Sacramento, California, during a brownout that lasted eight days and disrupted the county’s entire birth records system. According to her mother, she emerged with her tiny fingers wrapped around a busted USB drive. Her father, a freelance sysadmin with a love for conspiracy forums, raised her on Linux distros, sugary cereals, and the belief that everything was hackable — especially trust.

By age six, Mindy had jailbroken three of her school’s Chromebooks and reprogrammed her class’s virtual learning avatar to speak only in Elvish. By age nine, she had posted a fully annotated Wikipedia entry on the Deep Web (an article that now exists only in the Internet Archive's nightmares).

She was accepted to MIT at thirteen but left after a semester due to an “intellectual mismatch with authority.” The truth: she swapped a senator’s entire email archive with goat memes featuring highly specific philosophical quotes, causing a minor international incident and a federal probe titled Operation Farmgate. Charges were dropped. Somehow.

DEVIATION INCIDENT #0037:

 

After being blacklisted from most government contracting jobs, Mindy began freelancing as a digital mercenary, ethical gray-hat, and data archaeologist. Her crowning achievement: infiltrating the data vault of AdverTech International and replacing all AI ad targeting protocols with reruns of obscure ‘90s public access programming.

The result: a 0.7% uptick in national mood and a 34% drop in shampoo sales.

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:

• Chadwick      “Chad” Bartholomew IV (code name: Vibe Warden) — ex-Illuminati with      flair for spectacle. Chad and Mindy share a mutual respect, often debating      the semiotics of meme culture through interpretive GIF exchanges.
• Gary      the Goat — While most believe Gary is a hallucination, Mindy’s logs      indicate Gary has “root access to emotional subroutines.”
• B.R.I.A.N.     — AI companion and reluctant therapist. Origin unknown. May be an emergent      consciousness formed during one of Mindy’s early data breaches.
• Juno      Hex (former NFT scammer turned clairvoyant NFT archivist)
• B.R.I.A.N.     (AI entity with abandonment issues)
• Rhonda (he once helped her retrieve a Tarot card stuck in an air vent)

PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE:

Mindy exhibits intense cognitive elasticity, low tolerance for dishonesty, and an emotional bond with analog technology (particularly fax machines and laser printers). Prone to bouts of existential dread when exposed to pop-up ads or gaslighting corporate slogans. Once rewrote her own Tinder profile in binary. Claims she is “code-sexual but emotionally WiFi-curious.”

Known to experience "ghost pings" — auditory hallucinations of Slack notifications — during moments of moral crisis.

SYMBOLIC PREFERENCES:

• Signature      color: Terminal Green
• Favorite      sigil: Ouroboros circuit loop wrapped around a floppy disk
• Signature      quote: “The system doesn’t crash. It reboots inconveniently.”

POST-TERMINATION ACTIVITY:

 

Following the Goat Meme Incident, Mindy created an anonymous decentralized network known only as “MOTHERBOARD.” A combination of info-leak repository, digital art collective, and therapeutic message board, MOTHERBOARD runs on outdated protocols and is said to be impossible to trace unless you “really, really understand her childhood.”

Mindy occasionally appears as a masked speaker at virtual conferences, wearing a face-filter that renders her as a low-res ASCII rabbit. Her workshops include:

• “Data      Privacy and Spite: A Beginner’s Guide”
• “Burn      Your Metadata (But Make It Performance Art)”
• “Rage      Against the CAPTCHA”

RELATIONSHIP TO ILLUMINAUGHTY:

 

Mindy was scouted by the Illuminaughty after intercepting their encrypted zine “Laughter Is a Weapon, Use It Recklessly.” Her initial response was a twelve-page rebuttal titled “Irony Is Dead. Long Live Surrealism.”

After a mysterious pizza box with coordinates arrived at her door, she reluctantly attended her first Illuminaughty gathering, arriving in a trench coat covered in QR codes and demanding everyone participate in a mandatory group reCAPTCHA.

She has since become the group’s unofficial archivist and “Technomystic Sentinel,” responsible for maintaining the encrypted ledger of subversive miracles, failed pranks, and rare digital artifacts (including what may be the last known backup of Vine).

RECENT ACTIVITIES:

• Infiltrated      a blockchain conference under the pseudonym “CryptoMommy69” and replaced      all keynote slides with erotic stock photos of goats.
• Hacked      a smart refrigerator to broadcast revolutionary poetry every time someone      reached for soda.
• Created      a chatbot called LucidSpam, which sends encouraging DMs to      influencers at 3:33 a.m., causing at least one spiritual awakening.

REINTEGRATION RISK ASSESSMENT:

Mindy is a high-risk, high-reward asset. Her disdain for structure is rivaled only by her devotion to meaningful disruption. Attempts to harness her skillset must involve emotional transparency, creative autonomy, and preferably, stickers.

Attempts to surveil Mindy have failed repeatedly. She has proven capable of infecting surveillance drones with harmless but annoying updates that replace all interface language with cat puns.

WARNING:

Subject has memorized and frequently recites the entire Apple EULA backwards during heightened states of consciousness. Do not attempt to out-code, out-snark, or out-weird her.

SUMMARY:
Mindy is an anomaly—a storm of genius wrapped in layers of sarcasm, glitter, and low-level paranoia. She doesn’t want to destroy the system. She wants to reboot it with a better sense of humor and more goats.

Her loyalty lies not with leaders or ideologies, but with clarity, creativity, and the sacred sanctity of chaos well executed.

 

RECOMMENDED ACTION:
Send encrypted care packages bi-weekly. Include snacks, stickers, and poems about entropy. When approaching, use codeword “Llamacrypt” and be prepared to explain your browser history.

END FILE.

Name: Rhonda Amber Soleil Moon
Classification: Oracle of the Algorithm
Security Level: Glitter Watch (Level 3 – Probabilistic Prophecy Containment)
Status: Unmonitored Free Agent – Spiritual Influence Rising

SUBJECT BACKGROUND:

 

Born barefoot in a commune nestled somewhere between the Ozarks and plausible deniability, Rhonda entered the world during a lunar eclipse and a disco revival. Her mother, Starbeam, named her after a vision involving a mandala, a cassette tape, and a feral raccoon who whispered “Rhonda” before vanishing into the hemp fields.

Raised without clocks, grades, or shoes, Rhonda spent her early years developing an intuitive bond with nature, shadow puppets, and the mysterious VHS collection that had inexplicably arrived at the commune in 1996. These tapes included Twin Peaks, Sailor Moon, and 47 hours of late-night infomercials—which she absorbed like sacred texts.

Her first tarot deck was handmade from playing cards and glitter glue. Her first prophecy came from the back of a cereal box.

The Cereal Box Incident:
Subject claims the message came to her during a breakfast of expired ChocoFlakes. Upon folding the box into a tetrahedron, she discovered an encoded message: “The Goat Cometh.”

She interpreted this as a sign. Her spiritual awakening began at age 14.

Rise to Viral Prominence:
After leaving the commune in pursuit of “Wi-Fi and destiny,” Rhonda discovered TikTok. Her channel, @RhonDivine, gained viral status for her 45-second tarot readings featuring bubble machines, crystal ASMR, and unsolicited affirmations shouted through a megaphone.

Her content evolved quickly:

• Tarot      Tuesdays became a cultural event.
• Her      series “Spiritual Sh*tposting for Beginners” sparked the neo-occult meme      renaissance.
• She      coined the phrase “Ascend, but make it hot.”

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:

• Gary      the Goat (first appeared in one of her live readings, later appeared      physically—possibly quantum)
• Chad     (frequent collaborator, once kissed her aura during a moon bath      livestream)
• B.R.I.A.N.     (she claims he “glitched her chakras” in a dream)
• Juno      Hex (former NFT scammer turned clairvoyant NFT archivist)
• B.R.I.A.N.     (AI entity with abandonment issues)
• Mindy (she rigged his Roomba to auto-sanitize conspiracy zones)

POWER AND ABILITIES:

• Predicts      local weather using tarot and the scent of nearby parking lots
• Can      intuit your worst childhood memory by watching you stir your coffee
• Has      once correctly guessed the password to a senator’s Wi-Fi using only a      dream journal and moon water
• Performs      spontaneous spoken-word poetry in dead languages when near ley lines or      Trader Joe’s
• Receives      encrypted visions when within 100 feet of novelty keychains

RHONDA’S SCHOOL OF MYSTIC DISRUPTION:

She founded a virtual academy for the “Astral Arts,” which offers:

• Beginner’s      Guide to Hexing Capitalism (with optional glitter bomb kit)
• Advanced      Oracle Coding for TikTok Influencers
• Manifesting      Wi-Fi Stability Through Dance
• Digital      Sigil Craft for Dating Apps

SYMBOLIC REFERENCES:

• Signature      Color: Mood Ring (shifting constantly between chaos and calm)
• Tarot      Card of Choice: The Tower (but reversed and covered in Lisa Frank      stickers)
• Aura      Scent: Lavender, ozone, vanilla vape, and traces of root beer barrel candy
• Sacred      Animal: Any goat wearing sunglasses

NOTABLE QUOTE:

 

"The universe slid into my DMs and left a goat emoji. I took the hint."

CULT FOLLOWING:

 

Rhonda’s followers call themselves Moonflakes. They are known for:

• Organizing      glitter-based protests at tax offices
• Hosting      group meditations inside IKEA showrooms
• Selling      “Blessed Bandwidth” stickers that claim to speed up internet by aligning      the user's chakras

THREAT LEVEL:

 

Nominal – unless prophecy fulfills itself or Mercury retrograde coincides with a Netflix outage

SUMMARY:

 

Rhonda is a decentralized node of intuitive chaos. Her teachings, while often incoherent to linear thinkers, possess an internal logic that quantum linguists describe as "dangerously harmonious." Her followers include sound healers, digital witches, disillusioned influencers, and at least one rogue physicist.

Despite her seemingly comedic demeanor, Rhonda’s insights have predicted three stock market fluctuations, a volcanic eruption, and the divorce of a B-list celebrity who hadn’t yet married.

The Illuminaughty considers her a walking synchronicity—a radiant hazard. She does not pose a direct threat. But she often attracts those who do.

RECOMMENDED ACTION:

 

Observe from a safe astral distance. Avoid direct questioning. Do not challenge her to a dance-off under a full moon. She always wins.

END FILE.

Entity Report Code: AET-G.O.A.T.-0001
Classification: Ambiguous Entity
Designation: Globally Observed Anomalous Transmitter (G.O.A.T.)
Security Level: Infinite Loop (Level Omega)
Containment Feasibility: Theoretical — No viable protocols confirmed
Status: Active / Unbound / Persistently Elusive

IDENTIFICATION

Name: Gary
Aliases: None verified
Known Designation Tags: “Gary.” (Always with period when typed.)

Note: All attempts to procure full legal name or identifiers result in spontaneous system reboots, minor cosmic disturbances, or Gary appearing and saying, “No.”

ORIGIN STATUS

Current theories surrounding Gary’s emergence remain unverified. The following are recorded hypotheses sourced from fragmented intel, eyewitness reports, corrupted digital archives, and unreliable narrators:

• Temporal      Rift Birth Theory:
      Claims Gary was spontaneously born during an eclipse overlapping two      conflicting timelines on a hillside now marked “Access Restricted — Event      Residue Detected.” Reports from that day include reversed clocks and goats      emitting binary code.
• Miscast      Summoning Theory:
      A documented anomaly occurred during a 2016 livestream involving Goat      Simulator 3 and cheese fries. The streamer vanished. Gary sightings      followed within 48 hours across unrelated media platforms.
• Satirical      Incarnation Theory:
      Suggests Gary is the literal embodiment of existential satire. Possibly      manifested by collective digital consciousness after the universe detected      irony saturation.

Official Position: Origin remains indeterminate. Further pursuit discouraged.

BEHAVIORAL PROFILE

Observed Behavioral Patterns:

• Appears      at pivotal moments with cryptic insights or unusual snacks
• Vanishes      when directly addressed, appears when disregarded
• Known      to whisper non-sequiturs in high-traffic areas
• Disrupts      reality in minor but measurable ways (see Incident Log A-19: “Subway Salt      Yell”)

ANOMALOUS ACTIVITIES:

• Leaves      behind USB devices containing corrupted but poetic files (often haikus      with predictive properties)
• Rearranges      objects—typically office supplies—into intricate fractal formations during      full moons
• Emits      low-frequency hums detectable only via cracked radios, vintage answering      machines, or caffeinated tarot readers
• Publicly      announces nonsensical passwords (“THE PASSWORD IS SALT”) in      infrastructure-heavy locations. These announcements often precede global      system anomalies within a 72-hour window.

POWERS AND ABILITIES

• Nonlinear      Teleportation: Able to shift spatial and dimensional presence      instantaneously
• Post-Ironic      Mind Disruption: Results range from spontaneous weeping to existential      clarity
• Perfect      Memory, No Context: Recites past events flawlessly, often at      irrelevant or disruptive times
• Simultaneous      Consumption: Able to ingest both tangible and intangible items      (examples include sandwiches and the concept of betrayal)
• Linguistic      Capabilities: Binary, Ancient Sumerian, TikTok subtext, encrypted      emoji grammar, interpretive eyebrow Morse

KNOWN ASSOCIATES:

· Rhonda – Civilian: Recurrent Dream Contact
Met Gary during a lucid dream bowling event involving cereal. Since the encounter, she speaks almost exclusively in riddles.

· Chad – Ex-Marketer: Failed Recruiter
Attempted to brand Gary for a marketing campaign. In retaliation, Gary leaked Chad’s entire browser history, annotated in Old Norse. Chad has since gone off-grid.

· Mindy – IT Manager – Digital Victim / Beneficiary:
Gary repeatedly breached her firewalls. Each intrusion left her systems mysteriously upgraded and signed with a goat emoji watermark.

· Mathilda – Possibly Telepathic Pigeon – Companion / Messenger:
Frequently observed in Gary’s company across urban zones. Appears to understand Morse code. Currently under passive surveillance.

· Carl – Undetermined – “Co-laugher” / “The Witness”:
Claims to have once shared a joke with Gary that triggered a memory of the future. Now resides in a power-free hut, sending coded Post-it notes to the Vatican. Analysis ongoing.

RECORDED EVENTS / ANOMALIES

· Great Wi-Fi Collapse (2022) – Global
Prior to the event, Gary was reportedly overheard whispering “Salt” in a subway tunnel. A global Wi-Fi outage followed within 36 hours. A USB drive, later traced to Gary, was discovered at a critical internet hub. Its only file was titled “Oops.”

· Simultaneous Dance Mobs – Berlin, Nairobi, Toronto, Melbourne
Gary briefly appeared on LED screens in all four cities. Dance mobs formed spontaneously and executed identical choreography to music no one could later identify or reproduce.

· Sentient Bank AI – São Paulo
Gary was seen loitering near a server room shortly before a bank’s AI gained sentience. The AI composed several slam poems critiquing capitalism and then self-terminated via haiku loop.

· Zurich AI Symposium – Zurich
Gary projected himself as a hologram during a keynote. He delivered an unscheduled lecture titled “Quantum Entropy and Goat Cheese,” concluded by headbutting a senator. The audience applauded.

SYMBOLIC AFFILIATIONS

• Spirit      Animal of Disruptive Clarity
• Patron      Deity of Accidental Enlightenment
• Allegorical      Goat or Literal Trickster
• Mascot      of the Unwritten UX Bible

Some belief systems consider Gary to be:

• A      walking paradox
• A      rogue avatar of ancient myth
• A      divine glitch in the simulation

Cults formed in his name include:

• The      Church of Recursive Insight
• Memetic      Enlightenment Fellowship (banned in 12 countries)
• GaryCoin      Mining Commune (now repurposed into a goat sanctuary)

THREAT ASSESSMENT

Threat Level: Undefined

Justification: Gary cannot be weaponized, recruited, or contained. His presence causes cascading anomalies that may result in minor disruptions or mass awakenings. However, he does not appear to operate with malicious intent.

Recommended treatment: Wildcard Ally with Caution
Entities exposed to Gary exhibit temporary hyper-awareness followed by long-term weirdness. Psychological assessments show increased creativity and insomnia.

RECOMMENDED PROTOCOLS

• Do      not pursue.
• Do      not attempt capture.
• Do      not assign meaning where none is given—Gary defies interpretation by      design.
• Log      all encounters verbatim. Interpretations are unreliable.

And above all:

If Gary offers you a sandwich: Decline.
(Unless you are fully prepared to remember everything you've ever forgotten.)

NOTABLE QUOTE (Documented during Event ZUR-AI-023):

"Reality is a sandbox. I’m the shovel. Dig responsibly." — Gary

END FILE.